OCD Edward
by Cotton CanAndy
Summary: This is pretty much a mockery of the Twilight series, only the characters emotions are amplified. This is my first fanfiction, please be nice. Criticism welcome. Rated T just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

Once there was this girl named Koni. Well one day Koni and her boyfriend Paul were on one of the most important archaeological dig finding history when a coven of vampires were passing by.

"Yo, vamps." Koni greeted the group.

"How did you know we were vampires?!" Carlisle demanded. They had stopped and were staring.

"Well the shirts kind of gave t it away." Koni stated, and then added a side comment, "And I read your book."

"Oh," he said sheepishly looking down at his shirt that read, "My vamp coven's better than yours." Emmett's read, "That's right, I'm a vamp." Roses', "Stare. You know you wish you were as pretty as a vamp." Alice, "Got Blood?" Jasper's, "Emo Vamp." Esme, "Jealous much?" Edward, " This vamp's free!"

"Wait!" Emmett screamed hysterics coating his voice. "We have a BOOK!?"

"Books, "Koni said with the x sound at the end, while whipping out _Twilight__, New Moon and Eclipse _(they were her travel copies she kept on hand at ALL time when she was away from home).

Emmett screamed at the top of his lungs in a girlly shrill and proceeded to faint, if that were possible for a vampire.

"Actually you're just in the book."

Rosalie was telling Emmett to stop being stupid and get up.

"Well…we're going to Forks if you want to come…" he was cut off then by Edward's obsessive compulsive disorder then.

"Bella's There! We're going to see Bella! Oh my gosh! I've missed Bella so much! Ahhh! Bella, Bella, Bella…", etc. He had fallen to the ground, foam spilling out of his mouth, and was now twitching on the ground.

Carlisle sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Get up Edward. You're embarrassing me!" Jasper whined in a high voice.

Once Emmett had regained consciousness and Edward had controlled himself somewhat (though he was till mumbling something about Bella), Carlisle repeated the question. "Want to come to Forks with us?"

"Sure." Koni replied

(insert page break)

"We were driving to the Cullen Mansion when Edward screeched giddily, "Wait, let's stop by Bellas and surprise her!"

"Fine!" Carlisle shouted. "Since Edward always gets _his_ way!" he sneered. Then he suddenly burst out singing the Barney Song. Whoa major mood swings.

They all swung agilely into Bella's room only to find her and Jacob playing tonsil hockey.

"Bella!" Edward screeched terrified. "I thought you chose ME!" He fell to the floor and proceeded to go into the fetal position, thumb sucking included. Bella burst into tears as usual and Paul complimented Jacob. "I just don't know who to choose! Life's so hard!" she sobbed.

"Jacob," Koni coughed.

"Should I choose OCD Edward or Hot Jacob, "she mused, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Well Edward's a vamp, so I choose Edward."

"Yippee!" Edward said jumping up and down. Jacob started shaking uncontrollably and Koni chanted, "fight, fight, fight…"

"Never mind! I changed my mind, I want Jacob!" Then Jacob and Bella proceeded to make out.

Edward fell to the ground and banged his fists and feet on the floor. "Nooooo! No! No! Nooooooooooooooooooo!" He burst into hysteric sobs and Carlisle and Emmett had to drag him out the door. You could hear a thud every time his head collided with step.

Charlie was still asleep for the whole thing. Bella and Jacob lived happily together and Edward found a new obsession, bunnies.

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	2. Bella's wedding day

**Okay I wrote this at school, so it's a little cracked up. ****There's minor Edward bashing, but not really. Just as crazy as OCD Edward, please review!**

**Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer.**

The pastor looked at Bella, "Do you take Edward as your husband?"

With tears brimming in her eyes she spoke, "I guess."

He turned to Edward, "Do you take Bella as your wife?"

He gave a smug grin, "No."

Bella's jaw dropped, "Well, I didn't like you that much anyway."

Then Aston Kucher jumped out of a bush, "You've been punk'd!"

"Then Edward's really going to marry me?" Bella asked confused, which triggered the water works.

"No! The whole vampire, he love you thing!"He screeched happily.

"Oh, so what?" she asked, tears of confusion still streaming down her face.

"Okay, Edward and his family aren't _really_ vampires, and he doesn't love you!"

"Oh, Ok," She said, tears stopped. "Then why does he drink blood?"

"It's really fruit punch!" he exclaimed gulping down a cup of 'blood'. He coughed, "Well this was really-gag- blood!" Then he puked in a bush.

"Bella I don't even look like this," said Edward, and then took off the mask.

"Ewww!" yelled Bella covering her eyes. "Put the mask back on before I go blind!"

He was hideous! Snaggle teeth, greasy, patchy hair, purple eyes and no nose! She couldn't believe she'd kissed that…that…that thing!

He put the mask back on, "See you later Bella."

"Yeah, bye," she replied snobbily.

She stumbled through the dark forest crying tears of happiness. When a reassembled Victoria jumped out!

"Muwahahaha! I've got you now my pretty!" She cackled.

"Aww, shut up lady," Bella sighed annoyed. "The charade's over."

"Oh, well, want to get a smoothie?" she asked.

"Sure," said Bella.

Bella slurped her slushie noisily, Victoria gagging on hers even though she wasn't a vampire.

Jacob came over, "Hey, Bella, since Edward's a freak want to go out with me?"

"Sure, I wasn't really going to marry him anyway," she replied hugging him. "Oh, are you really a werewolf?"

"Yep," he answered.

"Good," she replied happily.

**So what do you think? Please review!**


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